All guys masturbate, some will admit it, and a few will do it for you if you ask them to. But as much as we all love to masturbate, sometimes you need a change. So here are a few options the hard-core masturbators may want to try out.
Your Hand – The most common object used for masturbation. Use some lotion, vaseline, or spank it raw dog. Anyway you go, you can be sure that you’ll always please yourself. Pluses: Cheap. Lifelike. Two hands = Two different girlfriends. Minuses: Chafes after a few hours. After about ten years of using it, you’re ready to find something new.
A Goat – Ask any frat guy and he’ll tell you that his cock spends more time in some farm animal’s ass than in his jockey shorts. Most prefer sheep because they’re soft and cuddly, but goats are a lot easier to come by in this area. All you need to do is find a nearby petting zoo, show up after hours, hop the fence and then hump away! Word of advice, avoid the Wild Animal Park, the goats there are very popular and there’s usually a large group of people waiting to fuck them. Pluses: Very lifelike. Warm. Furry. Many goats love to snuggle. Minuses: Long lines. Fleas. Goats like to chew on things.
A microwaved melon – This one takes a little bit of work, but I think it’s definitely worth it. First, select a melon, a nice overly ripe cantaloupe is perfect, but use your own judgment. Then, cut a hole in it large (or small) enough for Mr. Winky, throw it in the microwave for 30 seconds and presto, a vagina substitute that you can eat for breakfast the morning after. Pluses: You can choose how hot you want it. With a wig on it, you’d swear it was a decapitated woman giving you head. If you ever find a real woman to give you a blowjob, she’ll love the fruity flavor. Minuses: Seeds. Supermarket employees look at you funny when you talk dirty to the honeydew. Your penis will smell so good, you’ll want to taste it yourself, but you’re not limber enough.
A Bowl of Jell-O – This is one of the more interesting aids. You need to find a bowl deep enough, or just a cup. All you need to do is follow the directions on the package. Pluses: Serves 6-8. Easier on your penis than a goat ass and it won’t bite you. Minuses: Cold. You have to wait 6 hours for the jello to set (enough time to microwave 720 watermelons).
Seasonal Masturbation Fun:
A Jack-o-Lantern – Cut out the face (or whatever body part you want) of your favorite super model, making sure to leave the gooey stuff inside. Hours of Halloween fun. Pluses: Skullfuck, skullfuck, skullfuck! Usually enough room for 2 to 3 faces on one pumpkin. Minuses: Could be painful if you forget that you left a lit candle inside. Fangs, though good for most jack-o’-lanterns, can cause serious injury.
Fruit Cake – Who says they don’t like fruit cake? A well placed hole in a loaf fresh out of the oven can bring you tons of fun. Pluses: Festive. No one will miss the fruitcake if you take it. Minuses: Sometimes hard. Pineapples sting.
-EdPlaces To Put Your Penis (Ed Box),